Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Headline: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Held In Guantanamo

Actually, the headline was "Man arrested in Boston marketing ploy", but after reading the article I think they missed the real story.
"Several illuminated electronic devices planted at bridges and other spots in Boston threw a scare into the city Wednesday in what turned out to be a publicity campaign for a late-night cable cartoon. Most if not all of the devices depict a character giving the finger."
Specifically, these were little LED pictures of Aqua Teen Hunger Force characters - the picture to the left illustrates Master Shake (or perhaps a mooninite) saying "I'm number one" or something to that effect.

A little known fact is that Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a front group for Islamic Jihad. (Not to be confused with Venture Brothers, the front group for Al Queda). Keen law enforcement personnel knew this critical bit of intelligence, and as a result rapidly recognized the cartoons for the Weapons of Mass Destruction they really were.
"[Turner] said the devices have been in place for two to three weeks in 10 cities: Boston; New York; Los Angeles; Chicago; Atlanta; Seattle; Portland, Ore.; Austin, Texas; San Francisco; and Philadelphia."
Of course, everyone knows these cities are all bastions of Liberals Who Hate America, so the lack of aggressive response in these cities is understandable. (Besides - in Austin we were too busy panicking over the dead birds to notice the cartoon nuclear devices).
"Peter Berdovsky, 29, of Arlington, was arrested on one felony charge of placing a hoax device...Authorities are investigating whether Turner [Broadcasting, producer of Aqua Teen Hunger Force] and any other companies should be criminally charged"
Apparently Boston has learned from the Dutch Cartoon Incident, where illustrations of Muhammed provoked a similar response of outrage among Muslim groups who knew how insidious cartoon images can be.

I think some "extraordinary rendition" is in order here. Perhaps a little water boarding will teach Mr. Berdovsky that Boston will not tolerate anything remotely associated with cartoon terrorist front operations. (Rumor has it that a secret warrant for John Stewart has been issued as a preemptive action against any reprisals.)

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Monday, January 15, 2007


Ok, I know I haven't blogged in quite a while. Lately it seems I'm either working hard or partying hard. Since these are a couple of my favorite things to do, I'm not complaining. But it does mean that I don't get much time to do other things I enjoy, like writing.

Since I haven't come up with any bonny mots to share myself, I thought I'd share a couple that I just read and found amusing.

These are from Mortimer Zuckerman's end of year editorial in US News. The quotes are genuine (ie, his).

"Politics are so corrupt even the dishonest people get screwed."

"A Democrat sees the glass of water half full; a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who the hell drank his water."

'...a recent police study found that "you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."'

'A minister's view of evolution: "I don't understand evolution. If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Why couldn't they make it over the hump?"'

Also, some end of year words to live by from my humor writing role model, Dave Barry. (In fact, I'm going to take 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 13 and 14 and make the the 8 commandments of the new religion I'm starting. Move over, L. Ron Hubbard!)

Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learnby Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. In truth, only I am.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.

Party on, dudes.