Friday, December 16, 2005

The C Word

Thanks to the hard hitting fair and balanced investigative reporting of Bill O'Reilly, we have learned that those Liberals Who Hate America have struck again, launching a jihad against Christmas. Apparently Dr. Evil Dean, in cahoots with Arch Fiend Soros, have managed to delete the word 'Christmas' from all e-books across the world.

According to "highly placed government sources who had nothing to do with that Valerie Plame thing, whoever she is", The League Of Evil was able to exploit a "back door" installed into library computers around the world to commit their heinous crime against God and Nature. Operating from deep in their underground lair in Dover, PA, where they already "voted out God", they were apparently able to exploit something called a "rootkit hack", which allowed them total access to the library computers.

The critical security flaw came about from a copyright protection scheme originally put onto the CDs of "Burle Ives' Christmas Jingles". When placed into a computer, the CD would install a hidden program to keep the CD from being copied. "They knew that God fearing Christians around the world love listening to this CD at this holy time of year," said sources. Apparently, this "rootkit" software interacted with another back door already installed onto libary computers by the FBI as part of the Patriot Act "Operation Suck This", and created a whole in the computer security that the demonic duo could exploit.

(Operation Suck This, as you'll remember, was the program mandated by the Patriot Act to allow the FBI to monitor suspicious activity on library computers. When a patron would access target material, such as "Winning Back America" by Dr. Evil Dean, or "Tour of Duty: John Kerry and the Vietnam War", the program would quickly notify agents nearby, who would quickly whisk the patron away to overseas prisons where they could be questioned more "thoroughly".)

"First they kill Christmas. Next, they'll be killing Christians...it's Rome all over again, " O'Reilly noted. "Pretty soon, the U.S. will be just like Holland, where they've already killed God and replaced Him with Drugs and Homosexuality. I've heard they actually have Dikes in the streets there, with little Dutch boys performing perverted acts with their fingers in public. Did you know that?"

Fellow Fox News Host John Gibson explained. "Everyone knows Baby Jesus was born on December 25, ever since Pope Julius I rediscovered his birth certificate in the 4th century. Before that, Liberals were in control, celebrating the birth of Mithra on that same day, dancing with goats, drinking wine, and f-f-f-fornicating," Gibson stuttered. Pausing for a moment in prayer, he then continued. "They've always longed to go back to those days, and now they're making their move."

O'Reilly continued. "You won't see this story on the Liberal Controlled Media. That's why we're trying to get the word out." When asked if the fact that his television show was shown in all major outlets and was by his own claim "by far the highest rated prime time daily news program in the country" showed that the liberals no longer controlled the media, he replied "That's a stupid question. Who told you to ask that question? Get off my show. Cut the mike - cut the mike..."

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